I am a shitty person. Also a selfish asshole. I have made my family hate me for choices I have made. I know that it’s all my fault and that I don’t handle things the way I should. I shut people out and tell no one anything. And maybe this time if I had just been honest, things might be different.
No one believes me when I say I am happy with my choices and that is what I truly want. Which again I realize is all my fault. I take full responsibility. I have said and done too many other shitty things to even expect anyone to believe me. I feel like the girl who cried wolf.
I feel like two separate people. The thing is I am really happy here. I have a great relationship. I love the place where I am. It’s small and quiet and full of nice people. I feel at home here. I am happy. And then there is the second me that feels like a shitty, worthless asshole because I know I have hurt a lot of people making the choice I have made. And it has just been made clear to me that I and everyone else will have to live with this decision.
And all I want is someone to talk to. And the one person I really want to talk to, I can’t because I know I have hurt them and they are upset with me and I’m not sure I can fix it even though I really want to.
Right now I am not okay. And all I can think about is tearing into my own flesh because I know that will make it better, even if it’s just for a few minutes of relief. I want to cut so badly. I won’t let myself, but it’s all I can think about.
I’m sorry I’m not a better person.