1. I just need to vent.

    Sorry for all the crap I’m going to write, but I don’t know how to put things under a cut since I barely use this thing and I also have no one to share this with. But I gotta get it out somewhere. My anxiety is getting so bad that I’m feeling physically I’ll most days.

    I wish I didn’t have to go back to PA on May 3rd. I honestly feel like it’s going to be the worst few months of my life. I’m only going back because I literally have nowhere else to go. Things with my mom are not good. I’m almost certain she hates me for having left. And she doesn’t even seem to care about how happy I really am, because she won’t listen when I try to explain that to her. And everyone seems to have formed their own opinion as to why I left without ever even bothering to ask ME why I went.

    I love Neil. He is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better man in my life. And my mom is so hung up on the fact that he’s 42. She just sees that and because it isn’t right in her eyes, that makes it all wrong. She won’t even meet him or give him a chance. He is wonderful and so good to me. Neil’s family and friends have been so supportive and great about everything. I hope at some point my family can be the same way. I want everyone to meet him. He’s always going to be a part of my life and I want my family to know him. I’m sure if they met him they might feel differently. I can’t be sure though. Whenever I mention him to anyone they just ignore what I say about him.

    I’ve cried so many times to Neil about how I wish I didn’t have to go back. He’s been so kind and understanding. My mom is going to be the hardest person to deal with. She barely talks to me now. I get emails from her every now and then but they’re only ever about things I receive in the mail. Or the other week she sent me an email to tell me about the passing of my great uncle. It sounded like a fucking obituary. She just sounded so robotic and like she was writing something for a newspaper instead of talking to her own daughter. And she never asks me how I’m doing or what I’m doing. And I’m sure that’s because all my stories and things will include Neil, because that’s who I’m with. So I’ve just stopped emailing her. I was keeping a blog for awhile, but I hardly update that anymore either. I don’t think anyone reads that, except for my grandpa. I’ve just lost all motivation to talk to anyone back in the states.

    I’m aware that it’s my fault. Because I didn’t say anything about Neil until I was making the trip over here. But we hadn’t met in person until Christmastime and I didn’t want to say anything until I knew he was a for sure thing. Which I guess makes no sense. But so many times before I’d tell people about a guy and then it would just suddenly be over and then I’d have to un-tell them. So it was just easier to not say anything, which in hindsight was probably not the best choice. But sadly, hindsight is 50/50.

    And so now I’ll be going back to PA for a few months to sort out a visa and no one will be happy for me or care. I’m struggling right now. I’m so happy that I’m with Neil. His family is wonderful and I feel very accepted into the family. But I feel like crap about my own family who pretty much hate me and want nothing to do with Neil. And I’m not even sure how to go about fixing it. Some days I just think I should kill myself and then I won’t have to deal with any of it. But that won’t really solve anything. I really just need someone to talk to. I know no one will read this, which I guess is why I’m writing it. It’s the only place where my family won’t see it. I’m friends with them on Facebook and my mom has twitter. Which I feel like she just got to spy on me. Anyway, I feel like crap and just wish there was some way I could make it all better.

  2. Every single day this week I have felt like crying. I have actually cried once so far this week. Like the kind of crying that is so physically exhausting that you just want to sleep for 100 years after you’re done.

    My anxiety is so bad that I have also felt physically ill every day. I have constant headaches, dizziness, light headed ness, and I basically just feel like death every day.

    I have so many thoughts and feelings collected inside my head that I feel as though I might explode. I have no one to talk to about anything. Which I know is all my fault. I’ve messed up probably every single one of my relationships with all the people I care about. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what a shitty, selfish person I am.

    I just want my anxiety to go away. It is wrecking my body. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. It’s all just building up and I’m at maximum capacity for the amount of crap I can hold in. Some days I think it would just be easier if I woke up dead. Then I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore.

    I’m crap at being a person.

  3. I am a shitty person. Also a selfish asshole. I have made my family hate me for choices I have made. I know that it’s all my fault and that I don’t handle things the way I should. I shut people out and tell no one anything. And maybe this time if I had just been honest, things might be different.

    No one believes me when I say I am happy with my choices and that is what I truly want. Which again I realize is all my fault. I take full responsibility. I have said and done too many other shitty things to even expect anyone to believe me. I feel like the girl who cried wolf.

    I feel like two separate people. The thing is I am really happy here. I have a great relationship. I love the place where I am. It’s small and quiet and full of nice people. I feel at home here. I am happy. And then there is the second me that feels like a shitty, worthless asshole because I know I have hurt a lot of people making the choice I have made. And it has just been made clear to me that I and everyone else will have to live with this decision.

    And all I want is someone to talk to. And the one person I really want to talk to, I can’t because I know I have hurt them and they are upset with me and I’m not sure I can fix it even though I really want to.

    Right now I am not okay. And all I can think about is tearing into my own flesh because I know that will make it better, even if it’s just for a few minutes of relief. I want to cut so badly. I won’t let myself, but it’s all I can think about.

    I’m sorry I’m not a better person.

  4. Best. Show. Ever.  I love these ladies!

  5. I’m a big girl now…

    Haven’t posted on this thing in probably over a year or more. But I just needed some place to let this out…

    In approximately 1 month’s time I will be moving out to California!!!! And I could not be more excited about it. I finally feel like I have some sort of direction in my life and know basically what I want to do.  I’m moving in with 2 of my closest friends just until I can get a job and get a place of my own, which hopefully won’t be more than a month or so as I don’t want to be an imposition to them. I’m flying out there and it will be the first time ever that I have flown in my life. So I’m terribly nervous about that and am freaking out slightly as I have no idea what it will be like or what to pack. And I’ll be all by myself.

    On the plus side, it means I will be leaving the crap job that I have now. And I am so glad about that as I hate it. It’s not so much the actual job itself, but I work with a lot of gossipy people and there’s always a ton of drama and it makes it hard to just go to work and do my job. But anyway, I’m just really, really, really, really, excited and could not be happier about this change in my life. I don’t even care that no one will read this because I’m a horrible blogger who never updates. I just needed to shout about it.

    Life is good.

  6. taylorlestrange5:

    For you, Justine. :B

    I’m dying of cuteness overload!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. vulgarians:

    A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM GARY OLDMAN TO HIS FANS ON TUMBLR.

  8. What will you do when you graduate and will no longer be able to read my fly posts?

    Die.

  9. Hi

    1. First impression: You seemed really, really nice and a genuine good person.

    2. Truth is: I’d like to get to know you better. :)

    3. How old do you look: I’m not sure.

    4. Have you ever made me laugh: We need to talk more.

    5. Have you ever made me mad: Definitely not.

    6. Best feature: You seem to genuinely care about your friends and I think that’s absolutely wonderful. :D

    7. Have I ever had a crush on you: Nope

    8. You’re my: friend on tumblr

    9. Name in my phone: Not in my phone

    10. Should you post this too: You already did. :)

  10. HI HI HI HI HI!!!!!

    1. First impression: Ummmm….I’ve known you my entire life so I don’t really remember that far back. Sooooorrrrryyyy!!! <3 I’m sure it was good though.

    2. Truth is: I would laugh a whole lot less if you were not in my life.

    3. How old do you look: 50 (I’m lying)

    4. Have you ever made me laugh: Only all day every day.

    5. Have you ever made me mad: We’re sisters. I think that answers this question. XD

    6. Best Feature: Your humor. Especially your fly jokes. :)

    7. Have I ever had a crush on you: Ewwwww….gross.

    8. You’re my: SEEEEEESTERRRRRRR <3

    9. Name in my phone: Taylor

    10. Should you post this too: You already did.

About me

I'm Justine.
I love art and that's mostly what I'll blog about.
I'm working on becoming an art historian.
I want to travel the world.

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