Sorry for all the crap I’m going to write, but I don’t know how to put things under a cut since I barely use this thing and I also have no one to share this with. But I gotta get it out somewhere. My anxiety is getting so bad that I’m feeling physically I’ll most days.
I wish I didn’t have to go back to PA on May 3rd. I honestly feel like it’s going to be the worst few months of my life. I’m only going back because I literally have nowhere else to go. Things with my mom are not good. I’m almost certain she hates me for having left. And she doesn’t even seem to care about how happy I really am, because she won’t listen when I try to explain that to her. And everyone seems to have formed their own opinion as to why I left without ever even bothering to ask ME why I went.
I love Neil. He is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better man in my life. And my mom is so hung up on the fact that he’s 42. She just sees that and because it isn’t right in her eyes, that makes it all wrong. She won’t even meet him or give him a chance. He is wonderful and so good to me. Neil’s family and friends have been so supportive and great about everything. I hope at some point my family can be the same way. I want everyone to meet him. He’s always going to be a part of my life and I want my family to know him. I’m sure if they met him they might feel differently. I can’t be sure though. Whenever I mention him to anyone they just ignore what I say about him.
I’ve cried so many times to Neil about how I wish I didn’t have to go back. He’s been so kind and understanding. My mom is going to be the hardest person to deal with. She barely talks to me now. I get emails from her every now and then but they’re only ever about things I receive in the mail. Or the other week she sent me an email to tell me about the passing of my great uncle. It sounded like a fucking obituary. She just sounded so robotic and like she was writing something for a newspaper instead of talking to her own daughter. And she never asks me how I’m doing or what I’m doing. And I’m sure that’s because all my stories and things will include Neil, because that’s who I’m with. So I’ve just stopped emailing her. I was keeping a blog for awhile, but I hardly update that anymore either. I don’t think anyone reads that, except for my grandpa. I’ve just lost all motivation to talk to anyone back in the states.
I’m aware that it’s my fault. Because I didn’t say anything about Neil until I was making the trip over here. But we hadn’t met in person until Christmastime and I didn’t want to say anything until I knew he was a for sure thing. Which I guess makes no sense. But so many times before I’d tell people about a guy and then it would just suddenly be over and then I’d have to un-tell them. So it was just easier to not say anything, which in hindsight was probably not the best choice. But sadly, hindsight is 50/50.
And so now I’ll be going back to PA for a few months to sort out a visa and no one will be happy for me or care. I’m struggling right now. I’m so happy that I’m with Neil. His family is wonderful and I feel very accepted into the family. But I feel like crap about my own family who pretty much hate me and want nothing to do with Neil. And I’m not even sure how to go about fixing it. Some days I just think I should kill myself and then I won’t have to deal with any of it. But that won’t really solve anything. I really just need someone to talk to. I know no one will read this, which I guess is why I’m writing it. It’s the only place where my family won’t see it. I’m friends with them on Facebook and my mom has twitter. Which I feel like she just got to spy on me. Anyway, I feel like crap and just wish there was some way I could make it all better.